The Unfathomable Event

I'd like to tell you a story. This story is so extraordinary that although I was sitting right there when the Unfathomable Event unfolded, I had to pinch myself to make sure that I was not in some sort of alternate space-time wormhole. It is my greatest hope, dear reader, that I might be able to convey just one iota of the shock and surprise that befell me, and in order to do so, I feel that you need some background information.

The Cast of Characters:

Mum -   She likes a good party, drinks a lot of wine, loves her dogs, is the CEO of the family, is quite chaotic, a little neurotic, but ahellofalotta fun.   

Dad -   An engineer, who as a young father was incredibly dogmatic about his strict no swearing policy. As soon as the kids moved out of his house, however, he rescinded said policy and now judges a man by the creativity with which he can wield a curse word. He is a gigantic dork. Also, he loves a good pun; you know, like the typical Dad Humour, but he takes it to another league on another level. So much so that he keeps a file on his computer called Puns in Progress in which he crafts the most monumentally cheezy Dad Jokes, and saves them up to be deployed at just the right moment.    

Grannie - A total old skool WASP. She came from money. She starts drinking at noon. She speaks with an affected British accent although she was born in Canada and has Scottish heritage. She determines a person's worth by the skill with which they can handle a table set for seven courses. She insisted that her grandchildren, even as toddlers, greet her friends by shaking their hands and saying, "How do you do?" She boasts Victorian-era prudishness levels. She is staunchly anti-American; she once told a border guard, while attempting to cross into the US, "you Americans are all paranoid; what a terrible country you live in!" She is the source of much entertainment, and despite her quirks, is totally lovable. 

The Back Story

It was Christmas Eve, and as is tradition in our family, we went to see a movie. Upon the recommendation of Youngest Sister, we decided to see Black Swan, which had received some critical support and was also deemed Grannie-appropriate for its subject matter, namely ballet, which would cater to her interest in the arts. Had I known that there was more masturbation / lesbian sex / stabby-blood-violence / drug taking than there was actual ballet, I might have rescinded my support for this plan. Anyway, we watched it; I sat between my Dad, and Grannie, which, because of the excessive masturbation / lesbian sex / stabby-blood-violence, was just as terrible as you can imagine. Upon exiting the theater, Grannie was so moved by the performances and the story that she spotted a random couple and felt compelled to shout across the hallway, a propos of nothing, "Don't go see that film! It is dreadful!" 

Fast-forward to the night of the Unfathomable Event, when we were celebrating Grannie's 85th birthday. Earlier in the day, Grannie had gone to see The King's Speech (2010) which, because of her WASPy / Anglophile leanings, was deemed "delightful." 


The Unfathomable Event

Scene:  Open-concept kitchen-dining room. Grannie, Dad, and me seated at dining room table, Mum behind island counter, clearing up from the meal. Near-empty wine glasses scattered around table.

Grannie:  That really was a lovely movie!

Dad:  Nah, it wasn't that good. There weren't enough lesbians! *Laughs at own joke* 

Grannie:  You know, the only thing those Americans are interested in is sex and violence. Sex and violence and money. It's just dreadful. All they like to do is watch sex. How awful, watching sex!

Dad:  I don't like watching sex.

Mum:  I like it!

Me:  *sinks low in seat, wishing floor would open up and swallow me whole*

Grannie:  Well I like participating in it, but I just don't want to see it!

Me:  Oh my god, you guys!  My poor, poor ears!  Would you just shut the eff up!?

Grannie:  SHIT, NO!

Annnnnnnnnd.... scene.   


There you have it.  Grannie swore. Admitted sex existed. Then admitted to enjoying it. My head almost exploded. The end.  


Post Script:

I wrote this about a week ago.  I'm still reeling.  Obviously, major psychological damage has taken place.