Well, internet, you'll be happy to hear that Stella and I and my mum successfully made it across the border and are now back in the USA, having left a trail of disease and pestilence in our wake.
While we were in Canada, we had plans to visit my Grannie. These plans were almost thwarted by my mother's disease, my daughter's rivers of snot, and my Grandmother's own (denied) case of Norwalk. However, that crafty woman managed to escape her retirement residence's lockdown to come out for a nice lunch with us.
Now, I've written about my grandmother before on Expatria Baby, and prior to reading the account of my most recent visit with her, I suggest that you brush up on your Grannie 101 here.
Ok, so you're back. And now you have an awareness of the fact that Grannie is one of the most hilariously difficult people you'll ever have the pleasure to deal with. For example, she once demanded that my friend run ahead and stop a train so that it might wait for her while she took forty-seven pictures of a cow. In Switzerland. Knowing that the Swiss trains wait for no man, my friend asked how Grannie suggested that he might attract the conductor’s attention and convince him to wait. And Grannie commanded my friend to go stand on the tracks and wave his arms. She wasn’t even joking. One example of a Hilariously Difficult Grannieism
Since she's met Stella, some classic Hilariously Difficult Grannieisms have been hurled forth, and I would like to share them with you now. Okay, GO!
First Hilariously Difficult Grannieism:
Scene: After dinner, my Kind and Generous Aunt's house; Mother, Middle Sister and Grannie putting on coats, Aunty and me, baby on hip, seeing them off.
Grannie: You know, I once knew someone named Stella. I never cared for her much. So, you see, this is all rather awkward. BYE!
Second Hilariously Difficult Grannieism:
Scene: Living Room, Stella and Grannie reunited for the first time in two months.
Grannie: Look at those dark eyes! They’re almost black. I’ve never seen a baby with such BLACK eyes. Oh my. You know, no one in my family has ever had dark eyes. So I’m finding this rather difficult to deal with.
Third Hilariously Difficult Grannieism
Scene: Sitting round the kitchen table, me, my aunt, my mum; Grannie on speaker phone.
Grannie: it was lovely to see that little baby. She sure is cute. You know, last time I saw her, she wasn’t very cute. She was a funny wee thing. But now she has a little personality.
Aunt: Well, you saw her at Christmas, and she was pretty cute then!
Grannie: Well. No. I didn’t think she was very cute.
Aunt: (noticing my distress) I thought she was cute. And, besides, it’s not just about the looks. She does cute things. She has a cute personality.
Grannie: Not really. She was a strange wee thing. But she is cute now.
And there you have it, folks. Now, don't you wish you had a membership card for this family?