That Time I Was on an Episode of Survivorman

Expatria Baby is a 100 per cent city property.


Despite being practically born on a boat, educated in a canoe and raised by two certified nature hippies, I think that nature is gross. There are bugs and dirt in it. And I don't like pointy, stabby razor rocks. Or fish that touch me. Or turtles that swim in the water. Or algae that sullies my delicate complexion. The furthest I'd venture into the wilderness is onto the dock. To suntan. But not too much because, wrinkles. So great is my disdain for nature that when I lived in the Rocky Mountains, I never once went on a hike. And that IS an accomplishment seeing as how you have to ramble up some rocky trails just to get to work every day.


Please keep this in mind as you view the following ridiculous images of Expatria Baby à la Survivorman.


 


We woke up to a beautiful clear day and calm waters and decided that a trip to Ragged Rock was in order. A dangerous, fraught voyage through the bay in which we had to brave such obstacles as GETTING BEER INTO THE BOAT and MAKING SURE WE ALL HAD SEATS TO SIT ON. 


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Our back bay. A dangerous and foreboding wilderness. 


A narrow channel cut though the...you guessed it...RAGGED ROCK face, Ragged Rock is a favourite site of cliff jumping bravery and picnicking deliciousness. And blueberries. Lots and lots of wild blueberries. The picking of which is a severe OCD addiction for my mother. I am not kidding when I say that we have NOTHING in the freezer except for blueberries. Bags and bags and bags of blueberries.


Anyway, picnicking obviously equals hot dog roasting. So we had to build a fire. AND LIT IT WITHOUT AN EFFING MATCH JUST LIKE SURVIVORMAN OR BEAR GRYLLS IN ONLY TWO TRIES because we are so badass like that.*


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Is that Survivorman? Or Brother-in-(Common)-Law?


*When I say "we" I obviously mean my brother-in-(common)-law because seriously. Fire. Sticks. Rocks. Dirt. Sparks. Burning. Owwie.  


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Fire. We build it.


And about those hot dogs. We didn't exactly have any. And the sensible thing to do was, clearly, to make kefta and bannock. WHICH IS EXACTLY LIKE NATURE HOT DOGS AND JUST WHAT SURVIVOR MAN WOULD DO WERE HE TO HAVE THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A FULLY STOCKED BLUEBERRY FRIDGE AT HIS DISPOSAL.  Although, I will tell you that gluten-free bannock does not behave as you would expect and thus, instead of forming a dough that could be easily wrapped around a roasting stick, it made more of a batter that we had no choice but to pour into a ghetto nature muffin tin. 


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Ghetto wilderness improvisational gluten-free bannock muffin. Which is exactly what Survivorman eats.


As it was a sunny day, and my daughter has the same delicate complexion that I do, I was worried about sunburn. And eventual wrinkles. (She'll thank me later.) So, we crafted A SUPER BADASS OUTDOOR NATURE SUN SHELTER OF STICKS AND LEAVES WHICH WE LASHED WITH SUPPLE GREEN BRANCHES JUST LIKE ON SURVIVORMAN. 


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Lashing up a shelter like it is my JOB. Cuz it kind of is, I mean, I am supposed to keep my baby safe. And harmful UV rays are dangerous. So. 


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 Keeping cool on the rocks.


And then we braved the traitorous and turgid waters of Mc Gregor Bay using ONLY LIFE JACKETS TO KEEP US AFLOAT WHICH IS TOTALLY BADASS AND I KNOW JUST HOW IMPRESSED YOU ARE BY THIS WONDROUS FEAT OF WILDERNESS SURVIVAL. 


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1. I totally know how to swim, life jackets are just the accepted method for swimming mit bebe. 2. We have normal life jackets, but forgot to put them in the boat, so were stuck with flotation devices circa 1973. Whatever. I proved that they still work. 


I think we need to get back to our urban, civilised life in Japan before things get too crazy up in here.