My Husband Has Baby Ninja Powers and I'm Pissed About That
Hello, world. I’m here to inform you that I think it’s time for me to rescind my position as Chief Parenting Officer. It appears as though we have a new ninja master on the scene, and I am no match for his baby-wrangling brilliance.
Basically, Mr. Chef is kicking my ass in the tear-free baby-care department, and I’m totally pissed about this fact.
Let’s review, shall we? So, we had this kid, right, who wouldn’t sleep. For fourteen months, I was getting up every one or two hours to feed her and cajole her back to dreamland. And then Mr. Chef steps in, and within two nights she’s sleeping for long, solid stretches. A week later, SLEEPING THROUGH THE NGITH. With no tears. Efffff.
I’ve also documented how Stella will pitch an ungodly fit if I try to a) put her to bed, b) get her to go in her stroller or c) cook dinner and / or wash dishes. With my dear husband? Nothing but smiles and unicorns and rainbows.
Since the my last reporting on the subject, we’ve also discovered that Stella will do the following for Mr. Chef, but not for me:
- Eat all her lunch without throwing it on the floor or smashing it in her hair (I swear, you guys, she holds her bowl over the floor, looks at me, waits for a ‘no’ and then dumps it. And laughs. I am unreasonably angry about this.)
- Have her diaper changed without a barrage of toddler slaps (Again. she totally knows that this gets my goat.)
- Take a three hour nap. Seriously. Three hours. She usually naps for an hour. One hour. Per day. And I was not there. I was out for “alone time” while my husband “babysat”. Therefore that three hour nap was wasted! The vicious injustice of it all.
This little turn of events problematic for many reasons, not least of which is that now he’ll never believe me when I tell him how difficult life is and that therefore I need a new handbag as compensation. And also, SERIOUSLY, CHILD??? I had a pain-med-free pitocin-addled labour that lasted 24 hours, and THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?? And also: HUSBAND, YOU NEVER READ A SINGLE BABY BOOK HOW COULD YOU BE BETTER AT THIS THAN ME???? WHAT THE WHAT???!!!!??!
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is apparently my husband is a really effing good father. And he knows all the baby secrets. And has ninja powers. But, I kind of knew that long long ago.